So the mom died, right. Yeah ok and she’s narrating. Like wah wah my son doesn’t love me.
So the son shows up at the house he just inerited and he looks like the kid from There Will Be Blood- you know the priest one. Anyway, so he walks into the house and it’s full of antique shit. And you know it’s supposed to be unnerving except it would make the best episode of storage wars ever. I mean, Barry would blow his wad. In more ways than one. And also there’s a ridiculous amount of angel statues. And you know it’s supposed to be unnerving except they all look like they came from the garden section of Home Depot. The angel statues have to do with some weird candle thing that his mom used to do with him to test/force belief in god. And we keep going back to the candle thing. Yeah, yeah ok we get it she’s creepy.
So, for no other reason than horror trope logic, he spends the night in the house. And, go figure, it’s creepy. At one point he’s in the basement and sees an angel statue his mom gave him and I is significant so he has to call his therapist who may or may not have been his girlfriend so that she can convince him that he’s doing this to himself.
Fast forward to the next time something happens. There’s noises or whatever. Because there’s always noises or whatever. So he has to go outside. And that’s when it turns outlandish. Creeping in the bushes by the pool is the demon thing. Now, imagine, if you will, that Gollum gets it on with a jaguar. And this jaguar has scabies. And their act of sexual congress results in offspring. That is what the demon thing looks like. Let me reiterate: SCABIES. So the scabies monster chases him around mom’s “creepy” house for about half an hour. At one point it licks his face. And not in an affectionate, grooming sort of way.
I’m sure stuff happens after that, but I was laughing my ass off. But the mom is narrating again and wah wah her son doesn’t love her because she’s a Christian cult weirdo. Turns out none of this actually happened: crazy mom made the whole thing up to make herself feel better about the fact that her son doesn’t love her.
Moral of the story: Gollum needs a wing man.
We found a Gandalf at Wizard World! :D It was a great con—lots of little kids recognized us and wanted photos. Also we ended up sitting by Ron Perlman for a bit. GOOD CON WOULD GO AGAIN.
Myself as the Witch King of Angmar
@arthurtwosheds as Eowyn
I did a thing
D: You wanna play around with the Elder Scrolls Online character creator?
A: Depends - do you ever want to see me again?